Draimione Hidden feelings

vor 3 Mon.
It is after the war many want to make up their 7th school year also Hermione Granger and her friends but also Draco
Harry Potter Drama P18-F+F Romance In progress
Contents

Off to Hogwarts

Hermione was getting ready for the trip to Hogwarts. When she was done, she went to the station on the track 9 3/4, which lies between tracks 9 and 10. She took a run and ran right through the wall and there he stood, the Hogwarts Express. She saw many familiar faces, as well as Ron and Harry
She approached them and greeted them. "Hi. Ron, Harry, finally we can catch up on our degree! Do you think the school has changed after building? "" I do not think so, "said Ron and Harry." It's going to be a great last year of school. "Hermione looked around the track until she found a familiar one Person saw Draco Malfoy. What's he doing here? Hermione thought, he ought to have stewed like the others in Azkaban, he deserved that. After all, he is a Death Eater. She went with Harry and Ron on the train and they looked for a place. When they finally found one, the train started. Harry and Ron talked about this and that, she looked out the window at the time. She told Ron and Harry that she was in the bathroom for a short time and so she made her way to the bathroom. When she was on her way back to Ron and Harry, she ran into someone because she was lost in thought. When she looked up, Draco Malfoy was standing in front of her - she just had to run into it! "Great," she thought. "Well, Granger, I'm sure you can not watch where you're going," he told him in his usual condescending tone. "Malfoy, you here," she replied in a mocking tone. '' Well, then there are also Saint Potter and Weaselby here ''. '' Yes, they are '' '' Then you're probably still together with Weaselby ''. 'Yes, but that does not concern a filthy Death Eater. After all, you're one of the other Death Eaters and your father after Azkaban. '' Watch what you say, you filthy Mudblood. '' Oh, did I hurt the feelings of the Ice Prince now? I'm so scared, '' she scoffed.
He grinned as if he was about to invent something. Suddenly he pushed Hermione against the wall and looked at her angrily. "Did not my punch hit you in the 3rd year of school?" Just as she tried to kick her leg between the eggs, he pushed his in between so that she could not fight back. He whispered threateningly in her ear: '' You should rather be afraid ''. He approached her face, it was only two fingers away from hers. For the first time she saw his beautiful sky blue eyes. They somehow magically pulled her ... Stop, what was she thinking?
Otherwise, I can not guarantee anything, Granger. He went grinning into his compartment and I returned to my compartment again. Ron and Harry asked her curiously where she had been for so long. "It was a long line in front of the bathroom." That was a lie, of course, but they did not need to know, especially Ron, not thinking about Malfoy the rest of the train ride, what this action was and what he meant - and why they put their eyes on ...


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I hope you like the part :-)

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KleinerIgel 21. Aug 2019

Hi there,

please do yourself one favor: Do not write your story in English. Sorry to say so, but you need to train a lot more before using a foreign language. Some of your sentences aren't even understandable. And some are so faulty that they are quite funny.

But first things first:
If you write a story, you need to use desriptions of the characters involved, of the surroundings and just everything you picture in your head. Nobody can look inside your mind, so you have to give the necessary information you have to your reader.

First sentences:
Do you think that any reader might be compelled to go on if you start your story with "Hermione was getting ready for the trip to Hogwarts"? Obivously you do, otherwise you'd have chosen more wisely. Everybody who knows Harry Potter would know where and how the school starts.
By the way, it is not "track 9 3/4, but platform 9 3/4.
And why does the track not simply tell the truth (it "lies" between" is not anywhere near proper English). Again: Platform 9 and platform 10 - and again: That is common knowledge in the Harry Potter community. If you'd tell a story for the unexperienced reader you'd have to give much more information about the platform so I assume that you are writing for somebody who has read the books or seen the movies. Otherwise it would be so confusing ...
The Hogwarts Express is no "he" it is an "it", because a train is not a person.

Next sentence:
She saw many familiar faces, as well as Ron and Harry -> so Ron and Harry do not have a familiar face ... why is that? I tought they were best friends. What happened? (you see you need to be careful with your words).

The next sentences are okay, but a bit clunky.

"Do you think the school has changed after building" - After building WHAT exactly? Do you mean "after rebuilding" or better "reconstruction"?
Why are Ron and Harry of to their seventh year? They never went there in original canon. So they did not finish school.

If you use spoken language you need to add paragraphs whenever the speaker changes. Otherwise it is quite difficult to read.
Instead of:
"Hi. Ron, Harry, finally we can catch up on our degree! Do you think the school has changed after building? "" I do not think so, "said Ron and Harry." It's going to be a great last year of school.

"Hi there, so finally we can finish our education. Are you as excited as I am? Do you think there are changes after the reconstruction of the castle?" The old building had suffered lots of damages during the war against Voldemort and his Death Eaters. So it had undergone massive repairs during the summer break.
"I dunno", answered Ron. (in the English translation Ron does speak really colloquial English)
"But it will be a great year of school anyway", Harry added. (That does sound out of character for Harry and more like a quote from Hermione).

"Hermione looked around the track until she found a familiar one Person saw Draco Malfoy. What's he doing here? -> No, just no. There is so much wrong with the sentence I don't even bother to list it.
"Hermione searched the platform (or scanned the faces around her) until she found a just too familiar one. She looked straight at Draco Malfoy. What was he doing here?

Hermione thought, he ought to have stewed like the others in Azkaban, he deserved that.
-> stewed does not work in this context. That is a straight translation from German to English.
And he WAS a Death Eater not "Is". At this point there are no Death Eaters anymore.

Then there is a lot of unneccessary explanation without any elegance in writing. Just like "I want to be ready with this stuff"
Draco Malfoy was standing in front of her - she just had to run into it! " -> HIM not "it". If you want to use "it" to belittle Malfoy in this context, you have to use the ""-signs to show that you're doing it on purpose.

Again: Use paragraphs if the speaker changes. It is so difficult to read if everything is in one line.

Well, then there are also Saint Potter and Weaselby here ' -> Goddammit, read the effing canon. He would never say that after they saved his live. He is cold and distance, yes, but he stopped insulting them.

After all, you're one of the other Death Eaters and your father after Azkaban. -> Again "No". Neither content nor grammar nor anything is correct in this sentence. But I wrote too much already so I'll start pointing out the flaws and not correct them. [And there are NO FRICKING DEATH EATERS ANYMORE. Voldemort is dead.]

He grinned as if he was about to invent something. -> What is he inventing? New games, some spells? Or correctly put "inventing" is the wrong verb.

Suddenly he pushed Hermione against the wall and looked at her angrily. -> He has a wand. Why would he do that? He never resorted to physical violence before. That is totally out of character.

Just as she tried to kick her leg between the eggs, he pushed his in between so that she could not fight back. -> Bwahahaha - no. She could try to knee him into his balls, but she can't kick her leg between the eggs. That is hilarouly wrong. And the way you described it he kicks himself into the "eggs" (balls - nuts or crown jewels, but nobody says "eggs" in English. Learn your curse words)

For the first time she saw his beautiful sky blue eyes. -> That is really really bad fanfiction writing. If somebody threatens you, you do NOT fall in love with him. That is not how the brain works. Otherwise we'd all have fallen for bears, lions and other dangerous animals.

They somehow magically pulled her -> And again: That does not work in a word by word translation. I will not correct it, because you should get rid of this part all together. It is just cheezy writing.

Otherwise, I can not guarantee anything, Granger. -> Nope again. He won't guarantee ... not he can't.

He went grinning into his compartment -> Nope again.

and I returned to my compartment again. -> clunky. And why did you change from "Hermione" to "I"? That is a different type of narrator. And in the next sentence you change back. You really should check your text BEFORE you upload the chapter.

Ron and Harry asked her curiously where she had been for so long. "It was a long line in front of the bathroom." -> The encounter with Malfoy took SECONDS. Read the comments aloud and look at the watch. It will be a minute at best. If Ron and Harry had been stopping the time Hermione was away they might notice something off, but it would be creepy if they had done that.

especially Ron, not thinking about Malfoy the rest of the train ride (you mean, Ron should be jealous because Hermione noticed that another guy has blue eyes? Ron is childish and jealous, but not to a degree of him being a kindergarten kid), what this action was (yeah, right. It was unlogical and stupid. Ron has to worry a lot) and what he meant (he threatened her unsuccessfully ... something he does every year. So nobody cares what he meant) -

and why they put their eyes on ... (I can't stop laughing about the image how they take their eyes on and off - like dolls ...)

Sorry, but that text is not usable or enjoyable or anything. Please learn to write stories in German properly before you aspire to use the English language. It will be easier that way.

Best Regards
KleinerIgel

blue-rider 21. Aug 2019

Hallo,

drei Probleme mit deinem Text:

a) Bitte poste deinen englischen Text auf dem englischen Teil von Myff (Umstellung um Text-Bearbeitungsmenü möglich, einfach die andere Sprache wählen).
b) Inwiefern ist eine DRamione-FF eine F+F-Geschichte? Meines Erachtens ist Draco männlich und damit ist es eine normale Hetero-Geschichte.
c) Anmerkungen gehören nicht in den Fließtext, sondern ins Bemerkungsfeld.

Eigentlich wäre diese Geschichte aus den vorgenannten Gründen zu sperren, ich sehe aber erstmal davon ab. Allerdings erwarte ich, dass die entsprechenden Anpassungen umgehend vorgenommen werden. Danke.

Gruß
blue-rider